R Kelly – A Letter

R. Kelly

This was inspired by R Kelly’s recent performances from his new album.

Dear Robert, Pied Piper, The R in RnB.

Where do I start? First of all, welcome back. It’s been a long time since you’ve made some grown man music. I mean, I’m not saying that you can’t make songs about having a good time but when you’re near enough 45 and talking about poppin bottles in the club and getting ‘crunk’, it just doesn’t seem age appropriate…

Then there’s the remixes upon remixes of songs that didn’t really need remixing; Ignition, Ignition remix, Step in the name of love parts 1 to 50, P*ss on you (original and remix). Oh wait… was that last one not you? Well, you get the point.

However, this new stuff that you’re bringing out has me enthused for you. It sounds like you’ve conquered those demons and started to grow old gracefully. The cornrows are gone, the mohawk cut down. You’re doing you.

Now we need to concentrate on a plan of action to ensure some longevity at this latter stage of your career. Here goes;

1. No more of this club talk. If you heard the music that these clubs were playing and saw the people that go there, you would know that this aint what’s popping these days. (Disclaimer – I do actually like clubbing. It’s just I’ve had one too many rubbish nights lately).

2. Gold plated cornrows. Brother please. Less is more and this was never, ever a look.

3. Cut down on the wacky gimmicks. Wearing a Pied Piper Mask at the height of those, ahem, ‘allegations’ probably wasn’t the best PR move.

4. Trapped in the Closet parts 1 – 5. Genius. 6 – 10. Cool. Anything after that just became a madness. Midgets, pastors, dinosaurs, Barbie dolls. I just don’t know. But it’s fine, you got it out of your system. There’s no need to revive the series. Just. Stop.

All things considered, you’re still one of the best in the game. A songwriting genius. All geniuses straddle that line between greatness and insanity and the music world is definitely in need of more characters like you.

Keep up the good work and stay making that feel good music that people can relate to on a cold winter’s day.

Peace out,